Friday, December 15, 2017

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW GODS WORK (PART1)

RELIGIONS ARE A LITTLE WEIRD

THE CHURCH OF OHM

OHM is the all-devourer. OHM must feed on other gods, in order to take their essence. Though it is technically only one god, it represents itself through a variety of forms, which it takes from the gods it devours. How does it devour the other gods? It has help from its paladins and clerics. They hunt down the high priest of enemy religions and capture them, then bring them to the high cathedral of Valm. It's there that an Archangel descends and devours the high priest. There's more to the devouring than that, but like an iceberg, only the portion of the ritual that dips into the world of men can be observed.

THE PALADINS OF OHM

Paladins of Valm take after their god. You can recognize them by the veils that they wear to cover their mouths. They bear the sign of OHM, a circular maw filled with endless stars. The paladins remove their veils only to feed. They aren't cannibals, though they have been suspected of it from time to time. Their meal of choice is demon flesh, freshly slaughtered. They tend to simply squat over a still steaming battlefield, lower their veils, and get to doing their lord's work. Though demon flesh is usually toxic, or far from palatable, paladins of OHM find the meat edible enough. The paladins reap special benefits for devouring demons. Typically, the warrior will absorb some of the mutagenic power within the creature's corpse, and gain an attribute or ability of the creature. A paladin cracking open the marrow of a bone demon could find long calcium spines jutting from their shoulders in the morning. Sometimes, however, the paladins are too zealous in their consumption. These paladins soon lose themselves to an endless stream of mutation, their flesh warping and changing into a mass of monstrous features. Occasionally, they can be stabilized into Eater Hounds. Most of the time, they have to be fed to an angel.

EATER HOUNDS

Paladins that lose control of the monstrous powers that they steal are sometimes transformed into these bizarre creatures. Imagine a fleshy grey creature that looks as if it should stand upright walking on all fours. Its head shaped like a man's, but split into quarters by a ghoulish mouth reminiscent of a blueberry's top. They also have long tapered tails that stretch like rubber, and can be used as a whip. Eater hounds have lost much: their minds, their bodies, their sanity, but not their devotion to OHM. In many ways, eater hounds are even more devoted than their sentient brothers and sisters. Eater hounds are often armored. Simple shoulder and hip plates to protect the joints, and a cloth veil draped over their heads to hide their mouths until it's time to eat. Eater hounds have not lost the blessing of mutation, it merely manifests in bizarre ways. For example, an eater hound's arms can split apart like a peeled banana, revealing long telescoping bone skewers. they use these skewers to cripple escaping heretics, and to stab between chinks in an enemy's shield wall.

CLERICS OF OHM

OHM needs to know. It needs to know everything about everything. That might be why it decided to eat everything that ever existed. While paladins focus on devouring monsters and demons, clerics focus on devouring books, scrolls, and minds. Clerics of OHM hunt down scholars of every kind and squeeze out every last drop of knowledge. Sometimes, tribes refuse to allow clerics to write down their oral histories. That isn't an option for OHM. Clerics of OHM, given enough time, can read minds. It's not very pleasant, as it erases everything that the cleric reads from the mind of the victim. This gets problematic when the cleric accidentally reads the part of their brain that stores the knowledge of breathing. Clerics run out of room in the folds of their brain at an alarming rate. Out of necessity, they often take to storing their knowledge externally. Books are too large, and too easily stolen. The favored method is storing the knowledge inside a quartz prism. Entirely different paragraphs can be read by simply tilting the prism by half a degree.

SO YOU FOUND A GUN IN A TREASURE CHEST


I love guns in fantasy settings! Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to think that the only guns that can show up are flintlocks. I defy that. Guns should be just as weird as any other magical item.

What kind of gun is it?


1 Flintlock pistol
2 Flintlock rifle
3 Revolver
4 Rocket launcher style tube
5 Arm cannon
6 Staff of bullet-shooting
7 Wrist-mounted
8 Shoulder mounted
9 On a belt, can fire without hands
10 Head-mounted
11 Shaped like a crossbow
12 Repeater
13 Machine pistol
14 Rifle hooked up to a backpack, Ghostbusters style
15 Turret, tripod-mounted
16 Stinger missile style, needs two people to hold it
17 Double barreled
18 Attached to a melee weapon's hilt
19 Crank-to-reload rifle
20 Wand of bullet-shooting

What is the gun made of?


1 Copper
2 Rusted metal
3 Steel
4 Bronze
5 Ceramic
6 Titanium
7 Wood
8 Mummified flesh
9 Still living flesh
10 Sculpted marble
11 Jade
12 Onyx
13 Seashell
14 Ivory
15 Frozen fire
16 Unmelting Ice
17 Amorphous metal
18 Bone
19 Crab shell
20 A lot of insects stuck together
21 Living plants
22 Sandstone
23 Invisible material (Roll again to see what it feels like)
24 Mythril
25 Adamantite
26 Solidified magic
27 Quartz
28 Woven hair
29 Folded paper
30 Hardened light
31 Plastic
32 Twisting and writhing souls bonded together
33 Sculpted sugar crystal
34 Petrified living material
35 It's imaginary, not made of anything (Still shoots bullets though)
36 Tangible shadows
37 It's a ghost gun (Roll again for what it used to be)
38 Brass piping
39 Tungsten
40 The skull of a sentient creature
41 An ape's hand
42 Water that somehow holds its shape
43 Glass
44 White hot metal (Doesn't burn though)
45 The feather of an angel
46 A twisted mess of electronic parts
47 A demon's horn
48 Crystallized opium
49 Salt
50 Many teeth fused together

But wait! There's more! What does it shoot?


1 Ceramic shards
2 Crystal shards
3 Super-heated blood
4 Gel that hardens on impact
5 It shoots in reverse; It sucks up materials and spits them out the back as bullets
6 laser beams
7 Bees, stinger first
8 Tiny demons with pointy horns
9 Little bits of zombie
10 Acid
11 Fire
12 Ice
13 Petrifying liquid
14 Slag
15 Boring bullets
16 Gold coins
17 Paper swans
18 Teeth
19 Arrowheads
20 shrapnel