Miscellany on Archdemons

 Notes on Archdemons.

Theory of "Pitched Battle" posed by Bishop Isiah, Imperial Cycle 6, 33rd year. 

Summarized:
There exist two worlds: our world of Light, and another world suffused in Dark. An intelligence exists in the Dark World. This intelligence creates the Archdemons and sends them into our world for the sake of transferring Dooms. Every Doom that enters our world lessens the Doom that suffocates their own, to the end of reversing the fortunes of our respective worlds. Eventually they will dwell in a stolen paradise while we succumb to their misery. The only way to stem the flow of Doom is to find a way to strike back at the Dark world- by finding a way to create Archdemons of our own.

("Curse-Eater" Isiah was later stripped of his title and named Heresiarch. In part due to his authorship of the "Pitched Battle" heresy, and in part for attempting to act upon it. The Divine Order has not yet prevailed in finding a way of carrying out his Death Sentence, and must content itself instead with indefinite imprisonment.)

Detection.

The Imperial Calendar is maintained by the Sibilant Order of the Divine Foresight. Through communion with the petrified God, the Order of Foresight is capable of determining when and where each Archdemon will appear.

Though Archdemons emerge more reliably than clockwork, the order of Foresight makes adjustments to the calendar regarding Leap years and other holidays to prevent laity from accidentally losing track of which day is exactly 100 years from the last emergence. (Of interest: Archdemons observe leap days but not intercalary months.) 

Foresight's predictions are accurate within seven miles of the Archdemon's point of emergence. These predictions can be made as early as seven years prior to the emergence, allowing for fortification and evacuation.

The Order observes the Archdemon's form for a period of seven minutes before its emergence; though this has returned false information on several Archdemons, including Plague. An Archdemon's Doom is, by definition, novel, and predicting it through this observation is rarely accurate. Each Archdemon's physical capabilities, however, can be inferred from its form. The Divine Order uses a network of Communication Deodands to relay data from their predictions to the rest of the Divine Order, including the Exorcists awaiting the oncoming Archdemon.

Notable Archdemons.

Archdemons killed before passing their Doom are not given names. Sensory detail is customarily recorded and retained by the Sibilant order of the Divine Memory, which draws from the dreams of survivors and Exorcists.

Archdemon Apollyon; Imperial Cycle Zero.

Form: Eight Legged, Capable of Self Replication, Four Membranous Wings. 
Doom: Averted. Within 100 miles of emergence, dead matter no longer provided sustenance. Plants and fungus rapidly adapted to seed in living flesh. Estimated total ecological collapse within five years. Persisted for three minutes after its death.
Note: Killed within fifteen seconds of emergence by Sol Amon. Effects and behaviors extrapolated by the Titan of Foresight. Most catastrophic doom recorded in Imperial history. Outlier?

Nameless Archdemon; Imperial Cycle Four.

Form: Severed Human Head Magnified Twenty Five Times, Pallor, Third Eye Set above Brow.
Doom: Averted. Speech which provoked Qualia response in Soul. Spoke the words "Flense" "Patricide" and "Parasites." Audible for seventy-three mile radius, took effect regardless of language. Qualia persisted for seven months after its death. Those afflicted were capable of mimicking the effect by describing hallucinations. 
Note: Only Archdemon capable of speech in Imperial record. Transmission; possible link to Plague?

Nameless Archdemon; Imperial Cycle Nine.

Form: Bird-Like Morphology, Pallor, External Lungs, Non-functional Eyes and Limbs, Two feet long.
Doom: Averted. Any creature consuming their own offspring (within five minutes of live birth or within ten of hatching) within four miles of its point of emergence gained half their offspring's lifespan in addition to their own. All creatures within radius became aware of this fact. Effect faded after four hours of its death- excluding already extended lifespans.
Note: Unusually weak physiology. Killed by a boot to the skull. Predecessor to Plague. Weakest recorded Archdemon followed by the hardest to kill; Possible link between relative strength?

Archdemon Plague; Imperial Cycle Ten.

Form: Segmented Body, Exoskeleton, External Gill-like Structures, Projectile Fluid Expulsion Orifices.
Doom: Propagated. Contagion. See "Dogma Pathologia" for precise detail.
Note: Unusually evasive. Order of Foresight fed Exorcists inaccurate detail; the first engagement used ineffective weaponry and allowed the Archdemon to escape. Archdemon focused almost entirely on its own survival and the propagation of its Doom.

Staff Sorcerer: WWN Class

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Obiwan1.jpg

Staff Sorcerer (A WWN port of Mage From Carcass Crawler #1)

Staff Sorcerers are scholars dedicated to the use and study of Ritual Magic. While some may deride their abilities as mere parlor tricks, their powers bend towards the practical. Rather than bursts of overwhelming grandeur, Staff Sorcerers rely on a wide repertoire of clever tricks which make them useful in almost any situation that can be encountered on the road. The Staff for which they take their name is a simple tool, but only a fool would travel without one.

Staff Sorcerer Benefits

 

The Staff Sorcerer class exists only as a partial Expert class, to
be taken by an Adventurer along with another partial
class. Thus, a Partial Warrior/Partial Staff Sorcerer might be a
Wizard-Knight, a Partial Expert/Partial Staff Sorcerer
might be a Spell-Thief or Artificer, and a Partial Mage/Partial Staff Sorcerer might be a Self-Taught Hedge Mage

All Staff Sorcerers gain Magic as a bonus skill, acquiring it at
level-0, or level-1 if they already have it at level-0.

A Sorcerer’s Staff is a vital implement infused with their soul. Without their Staff in hand, a Sorcerer cannot use any Staff Sorcerer Arts. In addition, the potent rituals woven into their Staff are disrupted by a shield or any garment heavier than normal clothing unless they have taken the Armored Magic feat. If their staff is ever lost or destroyed, or they come across a staff superior to their own, a Staff Sorcerer may bond a new staff in a ritual that may be completed during their daily preparations.

Despite being a partial Expert Class, Staff Sorcerers can scribe spells to and from Grimoires. Staff Sorcerers do not have any spell slots and cannot cast spells directly, instead, they may use Grimoires to craft Calyxes as if they were a Mage of an equal level. Staff Sorcerers can create both Workings and Equipment Modifications.

Unlike the normal Partial Expert class, Staff Sorcerers do not get a bonus non-combat Focus at first level, nor do they get a Partial Expert’s bonus skill point when advancing a character level. One who takes the standard Partial Expert for their other class gains these things normally

 

Level	Arts Gained
1	Wizard’s Lantern, Staff Brawler, and Any One
2	Any One
3
4	Any One
5	Any One
6	Any One
7
8	Any One
9
10	Any One

 

Arts of the Staff Sorcerer

Staff Sorcerer Effort is calculated as usual, with each PC’s maximum being equal to their Magic skill level plus the better of their Intelligence or Wisdom modifiers.

 

Wizard’s Lantern: Commit Effort Indefinitely to radiate bright light for 30’. This light causes magical objects to shimmer- which may reveal invisible creatures or objects.

Staff Brawling: You may use your Magic Skill to attack with a staff, which may harm invulnerable and intangible creatures as if it were a magical weapon. In addition, you may wield your staff as a one handed weapon.

Magic Missile: Commit Effort for the Scene as a Main Action to hurl a missile of light at a visible target within fifty feet per character level. The attack is made with Magic as the combat skill, Int, Dex, or Wis, as the attribute, and a bonus to hit equal to your character level. Missiles may be fired in melee at a -4 penalty to hit. On a hit, the attack does 1d6 damage plus your Magic Skill and Casting Modifier.

Mage Armor: Commit Effort Indefinitely to manifest a thin bubble of force around yourself. This bubble grants you a bonus to your AC equal to your Magic Skill plus your Casting Modifier. This bubble holds enough air to breath for a number of minutes equal to your Magic Skill underwater or in toxic gas, which refreshes naturally when exposed to fresh air.

Hold or Open Portal: Commit Effort for the Scene as a Main Action to Hold a door, portal, or lid shut for 1 round (10 minutes) per Level. Open doors slam shut. Alternatively; cause a closed and unlocked door, portal, or lid to fly open.

Identify: Commit Effort for the Scene as an Instant Action to learn the following facts about an object or creature which you can see.

• Where did it come from/who made it, and why
• The most important thing it has done
• How much it’s worth in Silver Pieces

Suggestion: Commit effort for the Scene as a Main Action and target any number of creatures whose combined HD are less than your level. Make a suggestion, no more than a short sentence, which they must make a Mental Save or be forced to carry out. If that suggestion would require them to injure themselves, they automatically succeed this save. After one round has passed, affected creatures come to their senses. Affected creatures do not necessarily know they have been ensorcelled- unless the suggestion demanded actions completely outside of their nature.

Rally/Fear: Commit Effort for the Day as a Main Action to force your enemies to make a Morale Check. Alternatively, prevent all allies from being affected by Fear effects for the rest of the Scene, and non-player allies from failing their next Morale Check.

Cure: Commit Effort for the Day as an Instant Action; for the rest of the Scene you may heal damage equal to your level plus your Magic skill to a touched ally as a Main Action, or cure a poison or disease. Magical poisons and diseases may require a Wis/Heal or Cha/Heal skill check against a difficulty of 8 or more. This healing adds 1 System Strain to yourself each time it is applied.

 

Material Conditions and Pretending to be an Elf

https://pantmonger.artstation.com/projects/GnBAz

So.

Dungeons and Dragons is a game, or a set of games, or the idea of a genre of game where you roll dice and pretend to be a wizard or a thief or a paladin or something in fantastical locations meeting classic monsters like goblins and mimics and dragons. There can be plots, you can be on a dungeon crawl or a railroad or a sandbox. When I talk about RPG's, I mostly refer to games like this. They have different names, like Pathfinder, Old School Essentials, or Worlds Without Number; but I'm talking about games with a distinct fixation on the simulated realities of the characters in them. You can call these games DnD-likes, if you absolutely have to.

Material Conditions refer to a person's, well, material conditions. The conditions of their material reality. Do you have a car? What is your house like? Do you have enough food for the week? Can you walk? People have needs which dictate their behavior, and they have Material Conditions that determine how and if those needs are met. I subscribe to the idea that human history is best understood through a study of Material Conditions and the Labor involved in them. History is a record of the tools humanity has used to meet their needs- the logistics of feeding, clothing, and housing people. I think that understanding how people meet their needs through the tools and environment available to them is crucial to an understanding of humanity. Culture, history, politics, these things stem from Material Conditions. This is called Historical Materialism.

This understanding of Material Conditions can, obviously, be translated to Dungeon Type games. Do you have a lockpick? Do you have a torch or a lantern? How large is your inventory? Do you have enough hirelings and wagons to carry that Dragon's Hoard?

DnD-like games in particular are obsessed with Material Conditions. Even 5th edition, whose case I will get on in a bit, has a surplus of tables and rules and resources pertaining to encumbrance. It cares about how much stuff you can bring with you into a dungeon, it cares about the prices of chickens and cows and wagons. Hell, there's a table that lists the volumetric capacity of jugs, waterskins, barrels, and tankards separately.

I characterized this type of game as a "Equipment Table" type game; where you track the number of coins in your purse in a specialized spot on your sheet and have to make sure that you packed lunch before going into a forest to hit things with your sword- which also needs to be typographically specified from a list of swords with different mechanical characteristics based on its length. 5e has tridents, pikes, javelins and spears, all different weapons with different stats! This isn't just about weapon types, it's about granular distinctions of even apparently minor changes in the Material Conditions in the game world.

https://www.irregularwebcomic.net/543.html

  

Monsters are differentiated even further, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Goblins, Gnomes, Redcaps, Boggarts, Boggles, and a dozen other creatures with the same folkloric origin but different names have entirely different stat blocks.

5e lists monsters like Hobgoblins and Orcs down to the last stat point- even though realistically you should only really need one "Humanoid with Weapon" monster statblock. And... I agree. Something in me recoils at the thought of not having separate stat blocks for different monsters, that one "just use bears" article viscerally repulsed me when I read it. A Human being is not a Hobgoblin- they need different stat blocks, even if nobody except me would ever know. 

I know a lot of people who frown when presented with a system that elides these material conditions in favor of Narrative solutions. Dungeon World doesn't make characters track inventory items; they can pop open their backpack and pull out a rope or torch or something at any point in the adventure up to a certain number of times. They hated that! Those same people want their character sheet to contain an exact amount of gold pieces and torches and waterskins. They spend time before the game looking through the equipment table picking out these items. They care about them. And I'm one of them! The Equipment table is exactly what drew me to these types of games to begin with. When I was too young to really understand the game or find a group to play with, I'd imagine play scenarios while reading equipment tables, imagining how I would use all the different strange little bits of adventuring gear when I played. My first few games I was basically a point and click character, constantly picking up random crap and trying to use it to solve puzzles, greasing hinges and trying to feed animals poisoned bait.

Then I learned that the material conditions sold to you by these games are fake.

The games include these things- but that does not always reflect their importance to the game itself. The existence of the volumetric capacity table in 5e doesn't mean the designers care about how much liquid random containers can contain, they were just cargo-culting based off of the neurotic table-obsession of Gary Gygax! Tridents and pikes are in there because half of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons' weapons table was different polearms. Those things are in there because they were in ADnD and 4e was a huge failure and they needed to try and recapture that old-school magic so they just went rifling through old editions' pockets. News flash, nobody uses encumbrance! The age of the material condition has ended; the culture of play that lives upon 5e does not care about tracking lamp oil or caltrops or the exact differences between a glaive-guisarme, glaive, guisarme, and voulge-guisarme. They do not care about Material Conditions. There are fake equipment table type games and there are real ones- and the problem is that nobody even knows that these are two different genres. Maybe not even the designers.

For a brief period I thought that the equipment lists themselves were the problem. I was dissatisfied with games that didn't feel connected to the fictional reality. I didn't like that spells like Prestidigitation and Light made torches and tinderboxes useless.

This led to my spiral into the compromise, Daggerheart and Dungeon World and Pathfinder 2e. These games retain the aesthetics of materialism without the bite. Weapons are largely interchangeable props, not distinguished by their physical characteristics, but by attached gamist or narrative principles. Your character can use a Scythe as a weapon for god's sake!! They're stat sticks with microfeats baked into them! You wear armor, not because it stops daggers and arrows, but because it has "aura!" I found myself even more deeply unsatisfied by these games. You could do anything, be any kind of character, but that was simply because none of those choices mattered. Every character ended up being equally useful because every character was equally disconnected from material conditions. I didn't have to puzzle out scenarios in which my character's items and skills could be useful, because the games are tilted in such a way that basically the only things worth doing are shooting monsters in the face- something every character class and ability has been very delicately balanced around so that there are no real wrong choices.

(I actually think that these games are fun and well designed in general- but part of a genre that I do not care for.)

I could slot Narrative, Simulationist, and Gamist games into a neat continuum. Simulationist games are the most invested into material conditions, while Gamist games are only interested in the aesthetic of them. Narrative games are wholly uninterested in material conditions- or at the very least just the bare minimum required for action scenes. I'm not sure that's wholly productive though. Most games aren't strictly separable into that neat typology. 

So, why am I ranting about this? What is so important to me about Material Conditions? Well... I have a lot more to say, but this post is getting a long and I don't even know if it's a useful lens of analysis. Am I saying important things or just navel gazing? I think losing sight of material conditions leads to a loss of something essentially captivating about Dungeon type games; explaining the gradual loss of identity the "official" DnD game line has suffered- including the tragedy of the Martial/Caster divide and combat bloat. More on that later, I guess.

 

Kismet and Writhing Nothing

That which does not exist wishes to do so. Worms writhe upwards through the dirt, blind eyes and blind minds. There exists flesh without the divine spark. The world is a system of carefully spinning plates and when they fall, wrong things come into being.

When a toad inseminates a hen's egg the Basilisk is born, a child left unnamed becomes a Monster, a body left to rot becomes Undead. 

Bad Luck is real. It is called Kismet, and it has nothing to do with a toss of the dice. Wrong action- violence, theft, waste, tangles Fate into Kismet. A rope under tension. Small trespasses open small doors, children born out of wedlock bear a deformity, promise-breakers fall ill, mistreated dogs grow rabid. This eases the tension. But the Wrongness lurks. A hundred years from now someone will open a big door, and that rope will snap down like a whip.

I simply opened my mind and was at once enlightened

 The sweat damp wind paws the back of your neck, carrying the fragrance of a thousand dead things. The world is going to die soon.

 / indicates features obvious to passive inspection (enter the room)

// indicates features that require active, but not intensive, examination (Player must ask to look at the object closely or request more information)

/// indicates features that require good lighting and intensive examination - hidden doors and traps (Player must use their wits to uncover, ask specifically to look for relevant details)

() indicates a conclusion or truth that needs to be connected by the player's brain

 

1. The Road.

/

1. The Road 

Road/slippery/muck/bent guidepost points east "To EISNER"/ 

/Covered Wagon//broken axle/// Saw marks (sabotage)  

/wagonbed empty//many bootprints in filth (passengers, not cargo)

 

 2. Eisner

/Mid sized town //3 miles from the river. /Bridge is out, visible from gates.

/Squat walled town hunched in the shadow of an ancient wall, taller than any other building, repurposed into a hall.

/North wall is ancient construction/ half tumbled down/ green tinged brick./ two storeys, windows and columns, fine make. Lights in the windows //Music on the wind (tavern set into the wall)

/Walled/ wooden/ two watchtowers, east (bridge) and west (road) gates 

/West Gate/  Watchtower, flickering brazier of coals, watchman with sling, half a nose/// named Fat Neddy, despite being lanky and rib-thin. //Brass bell in watchtower (worth 5 GP in hacksilver)

/Neddy rings the bell when travelers approach the gate///if any of the party are obviously female (long hair, chain mail bikini, etc.) Neddy cries out that "The Witch" has come for blood, and flees down to the courtyard behind the gate. (Neddy's bell will bring the guards, who will open the gate once they're ready. There are different patterns for fires, wolves, and the risen dead than for travelers.) //dark circles under his eyes. (He takes both shifts, day and night.)

/Guards are 6 villagers in piecemeal (12 total, work in shifts,) limbs and necks wrapped double in hides, carrying pitchforks and wood axes// three are women// Leader is an ox of a woman holding a meat cleaver (stats as a hand axe) /// named Clarabel (stats as an orc with max HP, frontier living built her tough.) //Personality of a "queen bitch" insecure about her power, desperate to keep it, reveling in the fear. Can be threatened, but forms a deep grudge, will avenge any slight bloodily/ Clarabel demands to search party's belonging, orders female guards to take any female party members aside and try to force you to show them your legs/// they're checking if any of you are "The Empusa." ///The women are gripped by fear, edging on hysteria, will take a refusal as proof of guilt

(Note: if the players seem likely to instantly become murderhoboes and lock themselves out of this town and make everything super messy by murdering all the guards, you can have Jonah arrive from the tavern and tell them all to calm down.) 

//The villagers say The Empusa is a vicious witch who started coming around 10 days ago. Every night it kills someone by drinking the blood from their veins. It takes the form of a beautiful young woman, but under her skirts she has a leg of bronze and eleven more like the legs of a spider. 

 /party allowed to keep small arms (daggers, shortswords, axes. No two handed weapons or swords. Clarabel will steal a two handed weapon for herself, given the opportunity. Contraband and large weapons get stashed in a chest under the ladder to the top of the watchtower.)

/guards tell party to put up in the North Wall Inn. //The inn in the North Wall //It's packed to the gills, but it's a place to stay. //Nobody else is willing to house travelers right now.




IN PROGRESS, PROBABLY NEVER TO BE FINISHED

 

 

 

 

Balanced game rules for your game that you play

Balance, the great and wretched altar to which I kneel. You have taken my respect, my joy my creativity. balance Balance balanace balanace balcnanlajel nbalnacen labblancnanlhe.

 

Power budgets and DPR and whiterooms and the END RESULT STILL FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!

 

I WORSHIPPED YOU I BELIEVED YOU I TRUSTED YOU AND ALL THE GAMES YOU GIVE ME STILL SUCK SHIT.

 

PF2e: SHIT GAME for SUCKERS

5e: SHIT GAME for BABIES

 3.5: SHIT GAME for IDIOTS

4e: SHIT GAME for WOW PLAYERS

WWN: SHIT GAME for 5e BABIES IN DENIAL 

 LANCER: IT"S JUST FUCKING 4e AGAIN GODDDDAMMMMITITTT 

 

Roll 1d12 for a cool ass weapon your wizard will never fucking use

1. Moonblade
2. Glaive
3. Katana
4. Nunchaku
5. Miku sticker Baseball Bat
6. The Jar
7. Crossbow
8. 1d4 darts
9. Iron Spined Spellbook
10. Dagger
11. A staff like Gandalf from Peter Jackson
12. Family guy dvd sharpened into a chakram
13. A small sinew bound crossbow formed from your own flesh that fires your phalanges like bolts
14. club
15. blowgun (1 extra poison damage!!!!)
16. The Throngler
17. A trident (those are in this game?)
18. The Pen
19. The Sword
20. Divorce papers

 

Sexmagic:

 level one: Your penis explodes

level two: Her penis explodes

level three: the cum dimension

level five: sex 2

level six: handjob 

level seven: The dao of torsion

level eight: Homosexuality

level nine: Your penis explodes \

\

 

 Paizo be like

PLAYABLE BEHOLDERS:

 Beholder kin are uhhh um basically just like a person but like,,,,,, imagine if ewer let you play as beholder heuh that would be so fucking sick...... youy have more yes ;:::)

 

+1 to all REGULAR and OCCULT spells that have the OCCULAR effect.

+1 to the RACISM skill as a RACIAL bonus

+1 to any SAVE with the TRIPWIRE or PRESSURE plate taggle, because youar FLYING but not really you can still be knocked prone and stuff but don't worry cutie pootie pinky pork pie, you still are a big sexy flying beholder

 RACial FEAT: BEHOLDERS DON't HAVE ANY FEAT THEY FLOAT

 

 Potions elller

NEw class

 

AB: Ambien
CD: Ambien

EFG: AMbien

 

ABCDEFG: Ambien: You take ambien and fall asleep instantly. Roll uyp a new character you piece of shit 

 

Power word: KILL

Powerful, EPIC, Rare, Uncommon, Necrotic, PRimal, Wisdom, ALPHA, Manipulate, incapacitate

9th level 

Walmart: onew illing creature without the SIGMA trait

range:touch

components verbal lmomatic saterial: the legs

tunch: sprunges

You call out to the primordial ether to turn your body into a turning fork for the energy of Karthassus the nihilosmic lord of killamanjaro. Choose one unwilling creature in range. It must make a fortitude saving throw or be force to make a fortitude saving throw or be forced to make a wisdom saving throw against making a reflex saving throw against a strength saving throw that would strongarm it into making an intelligence saving trhow against making a ranged touch attack with a melee spell weapon against your saving DC to make you make a ranged strenght attack its spell save dc against your touch ac against its cosmic spelggaar p ;l;sdf north of the city of wisdom or else take 3d6 plus your wisdom modifier necrotic damage. Constructs, fairies, gnomes and elves are immune to this damage. If this spell kills a creature that th DM spent mor ethan two seconds pulling out of his ass he's legally allowed to skin you alive and hang your flayed hide over his DM screen to warn everyone else away from BEING A MUNCHJKING POEWWR GAMER WHO WANTDS TO RUIN EBVERYONE"S FUN!!!